Rules for Fighting Fair

  1. Respect the other person. Actively listen to your partner. Validate his or her needs and opinions, including when you don’t agree with them. Do not dismiss their needs and concerns. Be careful of nonverbal communication. You may have to ask your partner to verbalize his or her wants and needs. Turn off the TV and silence your phones. 
  2. Acknowledge the issue. It’s easy to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. In the long run, this pretending only makes matters worse. It breeds resentment. Be open about any problem you may have right away, to prevent prolonged damage to your relationship.
  3. Discuss the problem. Honest, open communication is pertinent to conflict resolution. Share your thoughts and feelings on the subject while allowing the other person to do the same. Having a disagreement does not mean an argument will ensue. 
  4. Compromise. Relationships are about give and take. Be willing to meet the other somewhere in the middle. Both of you should feel good about the end result. (See the section “A difficult responsibility” for how to deal with those times a compromise is not possible.)
  5. Renegotiate if necessary. Any resolution the two of you choose may need reevaluation after a period of time. If it isn’t working out, then make changes where necessary. When the other’s solution ends up undesirable – or even a disaster – fight the urge to say, “I told you so”.  
  6. Don’t let it build up. Little things that bother you build up until one of you can’t hold it in any longer, and then explode. Deal with issues as they come or you may do/say something you will regret.
  7. Take a time out. If things seem to be escalating, or one of you does not want to discuss the matter, set a time within the next 24 hours to continue the discussion. Whoever asks for the time out is responsible for bringing up the matter at the specified time. 
  8. Know what the issue is. Then stick to the subject. (No bringing up irrelevant or past issues.)
  9. Keep it between the two of you. Don’t bring in third parties like your mother, his best friend, or your children.
  10. Don’t hit below the belt. It’s not acceptable to say things on purpose just to hurt your partner’s feelings.
  11. No name calling. Even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful when you are using a sarcastic tone.
  12. Be careful how you use humor. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful. Each of you is aware of subjects about which your partner will not appreciate your using humor.
  13. Listen to one another fully while you argue. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
  14. Don’t interrupt.
  15. Don’t blame one another or make accusations. This only causes your partner to be defensive.
  16. Try to use ‘I’ sentences instead of ‘you’ sentences. “I am so angry” is heard and accepted a lot better than, “You make me so angry”.  This also causes the other to be defensive. 
  17. Touch. It’s hard to stay as angry when you are touching. Holding hands or just simply sitting close enough that your legs touch can make the difference in determining if your emotions escalate.  Sitting so both of you are at the same level is also important. 
  18. Be open to forgiveness. This means being willing to forgive and being ready to ask for forgiveness. Even though it may be hard to forgive, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and the other person.
  19. Conflict is not the problem; it’s finding a solution that’s the problem. Being close-minded creates difficulty in relationships.  Sometimes, it takes creativity and brainstorming to find a good solution. 
  20. Don’t use the words “never” and “always”. Very rarely does anyone ‘always’ or ‘never’ do things. 
  21. Be more aware of your tone of voice. Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone. When you are angry, you may be talking louder and faster than you realize. If your partner perceives it as yelling, talk softer and slower. Remember, a person’s perception is based on his/her experience in the moment, and may be different than your own perspective.
  22. Take responsibility for what you do and don’t do. We all have a choice of what we do or say.
  23. Don’t try to be a mind reader. Many times, we project our thoughts or feelings on the other person. Don’t assume your spouse is thinking or feeling something. ASK! And don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. 
  24. No fighting when one or both of you is under the influence of drugs/alcohol. This is a formula for certain disaster.
  25. Clarify and understand. Make sure you are hearing what the other person is intending to say. Ask them if you don’t understand what they mean. (Shows you are listening to them and their concerns.) Many times we become angry about something that has been misinterpreted.
  26. Don’t fight to win. When you do this, both of you, and the relationship, lose.